(Originally Posted 7/15/11)
Hello and welcome to another spoonful of Kristen D. Eats The World.
Ahh, my childhood. I remember it like it was yesterday. Little ten year old me discovering music and movies. What fun it was to rummage through my parent’s CD and VHS collections. I found the Doors, Joplin and Hendrix that way. I also found two Ilsa movies, She-Wolf Of The SS and Harem Keeper. I have yet to see Wicked Warden. I had no idea what to expect, my little mind could only process the box covers. A hard faced, blond woman standing tall was enough to draw me in.
Oh how I wish I wasn’t a little fucking weirdo and instead opted for one of my TMNT, Sailor Moon or Magic School Bus tapes.
Busty Dyanne Thorne returns as Ilsa, HOW she comes back I’m not sure considering she had her head blown off in She-Wolf. Maybe it’s a prequel? Anyway she’s now the head of Sheikh El Sharif’s (Jerry Delony) harem, which doubles as a sex slave ring. Three young Western girls are drugged, stripped down to just a chastity belt, and smuggled into the harem. How they select girls for the harem is unknown, I’m curious though. Considering these are girls are revealed to be well to do people, I would imagine they’d want to keep a lower profile when kidnapping. El Sharif also sits on the only oil source in the world it seems and is only allowing a small amount out to the rest of the world. His nephew, the rightful heir to whatever the fuck kind of place this is, is kept prisoner in the dungeon. Ilsa taunts the little boy, throwing scraps of food at him and laughing at his suffering. No way this will come back and bite her in the ass.
Ilsa is a cruel bitch to the harem girls, constantly threatening them with torture if they are disobedient. She overseas ass injections, forced feeding and the implanting of bombs in slave girls’ va jay jay’s with a evil smirk plastered on her face. I actually think she puts those bombs in the girls herself, mother issues much? She has in her employ two ass kicking black chicks, Satin (Tanya Boyd) and Velvet (Marilyn Joi) who are her muscle. They beat the holy fuck buckets out of a guard accused of sleeping with a harem girl and rip his balls off. I wouldn’t fuck with ‘em is all I’m sayin’.
El Sharif plans a party where he’ll try to butt fuck everyone on prices for his oil. Commander Adam Scott (Max Thayer) and a lackey travel to the party to beg for more oil from El Asshole. A spy comes to the harem disguised as a belly dancer. She records Ilsa and El Dickhead’s conversation about knowing who Scott is and what they plan to do with him. At this point I would thank everyone for their time and run for the hills. Nah, she just listens to the tape INSIDE the harem, with no headphones. So anyone who happened to walk by could hear it. And wouldn’t you know, Tweedle Coffy and Tweedle Jackie Brown over hear the tape and the spy is captured. When Scott shows up Ilsa is taken by his looks and tries to seduce him. He falls for her and they bone, as you do. At the party Scott’s lackey is fed an eye, which he thinks is the traditional monkey eye. But it’s the spy’s eye! Gross, dude, totally gross.
Eventually rebel soldiers invade the palace and the harem girls are forced to help fight back. Ilsa saves Scott from being killed by a spider after El Bob The Builder had him locked up and tells him about the nephew. She shows him the little boy, explaining that they could dethrone El Fuckstain and all three of them could rule the palace. Ilsa then goes off to help fight the rebels. There is a rather touching scene near the end of the film where after Satin has been killed Velvet crawls next to her and screams her head off, shooting on enemies until she is killed. It’s implied that they are very close throughout the film, but it’s here where you really get to see it. It actually makes you feel sorry for these otherwise despicable characters. Ilsa finishes off the rest of the rebels and corner’s El Buttplug. Scott rescues the boy from his prison and cleans him up while Ilsa takes care of some business with El Bongo. She takes him to a lab and straps him to a table. Earlier in the film El Basketball Jones promised his bottom bitch that he would take her with him on his travels, but he had a bomb implanted in her and had planned on sending her to an important figure to kill him. Instead, she follows Ilsa’s orders to hop on pop and they explode after some dry humping.
Nice movie, real nice.
Scott comes busting into the room too late to stop the mayhem. He asks Ilsa why she killed the girl, as she was just an innocent and had been loyal. Ilsa says these sluts are of no importance. Scott has enough of her bullshit and tells her to fuck off. She goes to present herself to the new king, the little boy from the dungeon. Ilsa does what she does best and tries to suck up to the kid, offering to be his right hand like she was for his uncle. The boy says she can stay on until the day she dies, with an ominous tone. The movie ends with Ilsa being locked away in the dungeon and Scott abandoning her. The young king sees off Scott and goes back to torment Ilsa.
So what did I think about Harem Keeper overall? It’s a schlocky, sexploitation flick and that’s exactly what it’s supposed to be. Screw Saw and Hostel, THIS is the real torture porn. The acting is fairly decent considering the genre, so I can’t really complain about that. It was filmed in the 70’s but holds up pretty well. It doesn’t look all washed out like I expected it to. It’s an alright enough movie, has plenty of fan service. I’d recommend watching it at least once.